however, lots of time to plan and think and scheme. rather a large shopping list will be knuckled down to once I get back to the uk; cordura and webbing, esbit stoves and os maps. the mojo is waking. time to play.

not enough.

still smiling at the pussy line, though.

two.

three.

i don’t blame the alcohol, nor the friends thinking they meant well, either. denied the facts they did, after all, only mean well.

i can only hold myself responsible.

but still, after nearly three years, should remembering cause this much hurting?

this much crying?

fuck’s sake.

piss off.

mega and the accompanying downhilly race focus scares me. as does my malfunctioning wrist and my screwed metabolism and just how long it took to even start to lose the baby weight.

so i am taking them all seriously.

yoga and core workouts three times a week (ow).
learning better, more useful french (beyond ‘two beers and a croissant’, anyway).
more water, no puddings on week days and less beer all round.
vitamins and minerals (ribena is actually good for you? who knew…).
resting.

long may it last.

late nights, early mornings.
muddling words.
craving coffee, avoiding food.
freneticism, paralysis.
zero concentration.
tears and shaking.
finally, terror.

one of the rougher patches, then.
 

still. 

no way out but through.

and that’s all that needs to be said about that.

2010 requires a focus. plenty of folks have made a list of things to do this year and i am no exception. the difference is this year i’m going to actually write the list down instead of getting to mid-november and wondering exactly what it was i wanted to do.

so, in no particular order, this year i would like to:

run, often.
bivvy, monthly.
ride a century, monthly.
finish a full year of endtoend.
remember everybody’s birthday.
ride megavalanche, and ride it well.
be stronger and thinner and full of fire once more.
phone my mum weekly (this is a two way agreement; we are both shit at phones, and both apt to disappear, and have booked mondays for the call; so far, we are doing well).
talk (see above; see this; see, i am making an effort).

intentions are high. yes, it’s a list on a web page and i’m not so driven that i’m going to hit each line with strike-thru as i inevitably fail but.

just having goals may be enough.

we shall see.

some of what i write ends up here, or here.

however. much does not fit there, or there. and, worse, much would get me into serious trouble were it to be posted there, there, or – heaven forbid – sent to the people who pay for the words that pay the rent, cover the bills, feed the bikes.

so it gets typed into a document or scribbled into a notebook and promptly….

‘filed’.

which doesn’t help me keep a grip on things.

so. here i will be able to write about what the hell i like, hopefully without my mum reading it. here i may use little or no punctuation, bad grammar, wordplay, without any need to think of the children. here i am free to write a full five hundred word column in SHOUTING because i am angry or tired or just forgot to check the lock before begining. here there will be beer and bikes and bruised shins as my public face begets but there will be room for the rest of me, too, as well as some cursing, and probably tears. there will be frank confessions and closed doors as the mood dictates. and yes, there will be moods, as well as smiles and laughter.

onwards. into the fray.